The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade

This book was recommended to me by one of the subjects within. As I am an adoptee who was surrendered in the mid 1960's I found the books revelations both informative and unsettling. I had never put the picture in my head of how socially motivated and financially interested some of the adoption agencies of the time were nor the gamut of emotions felt by these birthmothers. This is well researched from a historical standpoint as well as a facinating read delving into the very human feelings shared by those in the triad of adoption. Feelings, I might add, that are not well understood by those outside of this subculture. I have recommended this book to several counselor friends of mine and would do the same for anyone who may find themselves across the couch from persons involved in the adoption process. Mrs. Fessler's book flows very smoothly and is quite an easy read. The books stories are filled with the heart wrenching fear, dissapointment, guilt, anguish and uncertainty felt by many birthmothers but the ultimate message is one of underlying love, resolution and final completion. My final thoughts were of hope. Hope for governmental reform in its policies, hope for institutional reform in their practices and proceedures and hope for adoptee and birth parent alike in the illimination of uncertainties and for final completeness.

If you're interested in social history, "The Girls Who Went Away" makes for a fascinating read. Ann Fessler interviewed dozens of women who were sent to homes for "unwed mothers" between the 1945 and 1973. The tales the women tale are harrowing and extremely human. Interspersed with the interviews are Fessler's essays about society at the time, and how the post-war situation affected the average family. The book overturned several assumptions I had always made about life in that time period, e.g., that not many teens were sexually active. The shame of sexuality at the time, and the ridiculous lack of information teenagers were given about their own bodies, created a climate in which thousands of girls became pregnant and were forced to hide out from the world, until they could give birth, relinquish the baby, and return to "normal" teen life. Unfortunately, the reality wasn't so simple. The devastating emotional impact of bringing a pregnancy to term, and then having to give up the child, often without so much as seeing it, haunted these women for the rest of their days. The intense secrecy that surrounded the issue only made things worse. It's impossible to read the book without feeling sympathy for these young women, who were given so little control over their own lives. Although the book doesn't answer every question about adoption, or about how to deal with the problem of teen pregnancy, it's a valuable work that makes a big contribution to our understanding of motherhood. Hopefully psychologists, educators and legislators will learn some lessons from it.

True story. When I was in my first year of graduate school, at the start of the semester, my professor at the time had the class do an introduction exercise. We all had to go around the room, say our first name, and something about ourselves we could not tell by looking at us. My professor started by saying her first name, and that she was adopted. Then I said my first name and that I was adopted. Then another student said her name, and that she was adopted. By the end of the class, I was asked directly by my professor if I had searched, which I hadn't, and her response was "why not?" As we were all leaving class that day my professor asked me if I had read "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler. I hadn't read it, but it was in my hands the following day. By the end of the week, I had not only read Ann's book, with a tissue box close by, but had made a commitment to find my birth mother.Within a week I had made a search and had a connection. 6 months later, my birth mother and I attended a book signing of "The Girls Who Went Away" and we met Ann Fessler. To this day this book is the #1 book I recommend to anyone in the adoption triad, especially birth mothers and adoptees considering a search. This book gave me permission to heal, and for that I am forever grateful.

"This never happened."

Don Draper says that all the time on Mad Men, and in fact he says it to a character who's in the midst of a breakdown after an unwed pregnancy. Those script writers are good: although they didn't invent the line, it *is* fiction. It did happen, and the women never forgot.

Subtitled, "The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade", this is an excellent exploration of the social and legal intolerance of teenage unwed pregnancy and motherhood in 1950s-`60s USA, plus a compelling collection of oral histories from those birth mothers.

There wasn't much contraception and it absolutely wasn't much available (mostly denied to single women, or accompanied by a big dose of judgment, and condoms were behind the pharmacy counter). Even information about contraception was illegal, and sex education was nil. The 1950s was a period of extreme social conformity and violations came with catastrophic fallout. And it was all on the girl (reliable proof of paternity wasn't there yet), who generally hid it with tight girdles in the early months and disappeared for the latter months to group homes (e.g. Florence Crittenton), typically under the guise of an illness or caring for a family member, and then adoption.

"They said, 'You can't raise the baby alone.' But no one expects a widow to give up her baby because her husband dies, do they? No. It's punitive."

I've always appreciated Title IX of the Education Amendments Act of 1972 for its mandate of equal sports opportunities for women, but until now I didn't realize its provision was broader ("No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any education program or activity receiving federal financial assistance"), prohibiting high schools and colleges from expelling pregnant girls and teenage mothers.

I marked dozens of passages despite my having lived at the late edge of the time, and shudder at the lifelong burden these women bear.

"One of the questions that come up when you go to court and relinquish is they ask you if you have been coerced in any way, and I thought it was the height of hypocrisy. Of course you're coerced. You're coerced by your parents, who said, 'Don't come home again if you plan to keep that child. We're not going to help you.' You're coerced by everyone around you because of the shame and the lack of acceptance by society and your community. You're not acknowledged as a fit mother because you had sex before marriage. The judge congratulated me on how courageous I was. I was furious that he would tell me it was about courage. It was about defeat. It was totally about shame and defeat."

For whatever reason, Amazon has not incorporated the reviews from the hardcover edition of this book onto the release of the paperback, which gives me the opportunity to again encourage everyone to READ THIS BOOK, especially now, when many schools are prohibitted from, and many parents refuse to, teach basic sex education. And the Supreme Court is hanging by a thread contingent on the next Presidential election. This reviewer is shocked, chagrinned, and embarassed by generations of females behind me, like Elisabeth Hasselbeck on *The View,* who totally "don't get" the ramifications. This could be where Yogi Berra says: "it's Deja Vu all over again!"

Between the end of World War II in 1945 and the 1973 United States Supreme Court decision in Roe v. Wade, many unwed girls and women were forced by society to "go away" during unplanned pregnancies - < to "hide" the physical evidence of their perceived moral turpitude, while the fathers, blameless and shameless, were free to roam about their usual lives and wild oat sowing> - and surrender the baby to "good homes" (2 parent households.) Now, adding insult to past psychological injuries, the Men in power continue to refuse to allow adequate access to birth and adoption records such that the members of the "adoption triad" (birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptee) can't find each other. Thus is created a large segment of the "Baby Boom" generation without medical/genetic history.

Ann Fessler found her history and has written an excellent, empathetic, anecdotal and well-researched history of her mother and other mothers who "gave up" their babies and the confluence of forces in the age of Ozzie and Harriet, McCarthy, and beyond. As this reviewer has cautioned in other reviews, a lot of younger women take for granted the great strides made in the brief period between the 1960's and now. This book and [[ASIN:0385318316 In Our Time: Memoir of a Revolution]] will remind those of us who lived through this period of the progress we've made - and teach the younger generations that they must be eternally vigilant, lest those rights be taken away. Rosie the Riveter, paragon of "We Can Do It!" womanhood in the 1940s, was shuffled off to June Cleaver's kitchen in the 1950s. As Santayana said: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

/TundraVision, Amazon Reviewer

I would be interested in knowing if any other reviewers felt like this book was missing something--not giving the full picture. It just left me kind of empty. Very critical and unsympathetic of the young fathers, basically classifying them all as deadbeats, yet very empathetic and non-judgmental towards the unwed mothers. I know I am in for criticism, but sorry, but I was hoping for a much more unbiased, objective book.

Oh my goodness, this book will be part of my life forever.... I was a girl who went away in the 80's, and while some things were better, there was so much in this book that was the same. Especially the fallout, the emotional damage, the intimacy issues ahead, the grief... I recommend this book for any birthmother who felt she had no way out, and for any adoptee whose birthmother was from that era - or any era really. Thank you Ann for giving voice to this. God bless you.

I have a friend who was born in 1969 and given up for adoption. When I once asked her if she wanted to meet her birth mother, she said to me "Why would I? She gave me up. Apparently she didn't want me" I was stunned. She had no idea what it was like back then and how young women had no choices. I bought this book for her so she would know that, most likely, her mother may have been powerless over keeping her. It opened her eyes.

As an adoptee I came to recognize that the feelings of inadequacy I experienced most of life were directly tied to being relinquished (abandoned) as an infant. This book presents my story from my birth mothers point of view - we both are victims of the "primal wound".

A heart rending and heartfelt classic on the women who were essentially forced to relinquish their children during the "babysnatch" era. Any person affected by adoption should read this. If you have not thought of the silent first mothers or considered their pain at losing children they almost universally wanted to parent, you must read this book.