The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study

This book was given to me by a friend about a year after my divorce in 2003. A little background about myself and my username: I am indeed a "mister mom" working full time while raising my son by myself, and as a male who is a full-time single parent, I am obviously in the minority. I am also an evangelical Christian. As such, I am not a proponent of divorce and in many cases I believe it represents the selfishness of one or both parents and every effort should be made to salvage the marriage rather than just trade it in for a new one. This is even more important when there are children involved. In my case, however, my spouse had a mental illness (borderline personality disorder) and I believe the divorce was probably the best resolution of what was a very bad situation. It was her decision to leave. However, I was still very saddened that my son is not growing up with the benefit of a conventional, nuclear family, or with a larger female influence in his life. In today's "PC" climate we're led to believe that one loving parent, or two parents of the same gender, can do just as good a job as the conventional male/female parent model that has been in place for millenia. I strongly disagree. Nor do I agree with those who think that divorce itself is somewhat benign, and the problem lies more with the way parents handle it than in the divorce itself. Certain things are traumatic for children, regardless of how civil the parents try to be about it. Even though my son seems well-adjusted, I know there are wounds - some of which may not surface until he is much older. I believe that countless studies support my conclusions. As such, I am deeply skeptical of most "divorce" books because they seek to put a happy face on a situation that rarely has an upside, and are often little more than adults trying to put a positive spin on something the kids inherently know is a bad thing at the core of their being.

So it was with some hesitation that I opened this book that was written by Ms. Wallerstein, a former lecturer at UC Berkeley. I assumed first of all that someone who lectured at the mecca of American liberalism would probably be very critical of the traditional family and extol the virtues of no-fault divorce by insisting that if the parents were happy, then the kids would be happy too. I further assumed that the "unexpected" part of the legacy in this book would be that children of divorce end up turning out just about the same as children of conventional families. In other words, that with all the hype about how "bad" divorce was, the study would "surprisingly" find that divorce wasn't all that bad for kids afterall.

To put it simply: I was completely wrong in my assumptions. The "unexpected" part of the book was indeed unexpected - that kids were much more profoundly negatively affected by divorce than we've been led to believe by those who want to treat single families as the new "norm" and suggest that it is merely one in a variety of equally valid parenting alternatives.

Essentially what we have here is a group of individuals that Wallerstein has followed from their own childhoods into their adulthood - to see how they have fared with their own parents' divorces 25 years later.

Elsewhere I have seen the book criticized because it used such a small sample size (only 7 children are detailed in the book). But I think this fails to recognize that Wallerstein actually used a much larger sample size (60 families) and chose to detail only a handful in this book because she felt their stories were "typical."

What Wallerstein found was that the legacy of divorce is more negative than expected - not better - and that in spite of all the lip service paid by courts and advocacy groups, decisions are rarely made with the best interests of children in mind. Wallerstein is especially critical of the idea of "sharing" children back and forth because children are left with the sense that while their parents may have homes, as children they are merely like a set of car keys, passed back and forth, and end up feeling as though they have no place that is distinctly their own. There ends up being no continuity and most decision are made for the convenience of the parents, not the children.

If you are looking for a "feel good" book that will justify that divorce was done "for the sake of the kids" this isn't your book. It simply lets the data speak for itself: children do not fare better under divorce. Yes, they can turn out OK - and that is certainly the objective with my own son - but it takes considerable work because the lack of two parents in and of itself is a huge handicap for children. Indeed, divorce is much harder than the death of a parent because the child is forced to deal with parents who cannot love one another and remain committed, and it affects their own views of marriage, commitment, and love. Many times these problems do not surface until the grown children enter into their own relationships or marriages.

I found the book fascinating, scholarly, and meticulously researched and documented. The fact that it does not draw upon any particular religious beliefs or traditions for its conclusions and does not engage in moralizing should make the message that much stronger.

If you are considering a divorce "for the sake of the children" you would be wise to read this book first. If you are already divorced, you will likewise find this book helpful as you structure visitation and other aspects of shared parenting responsibilities.

I purchased this for comparison with some materials I was given that cite the same study only stopping at the 5-year-mark. I rate this okay because it is just okay as far as secular psychological research goes; it may be useful to some that the author opines that divorce impacts children most as they try to form relationships as adults and not, as is commonly stated, at the point of divorce. The author describes this impact of divorce as a crescendo and not a one-time event.

I added this book to my wish list when I was going for a divorce in 2003, but I never got around to ordering or reading it. Part of me didn't want to. I spent a good 10 years being angry, bitter, and selfish. My kids most certainly suffered for it. A few months ago, I noticed this book was available on Audible, so I purchased and listened to it - finally, and 15 years too late. I wish I had read and taken this book into account when I was a young woman navigating an unwanted divorce. I was so caught up in my own grief that I did not honor the grief of my young children. Everything eventually came full circle for us, but I would have done a much better job with this book in my toolbox.

This book will illustrate why you are the way you are, like no friend can. It's a powerful study that has transformed the way I approach the topic of marriage, children, and relationships with parents.

Small print, but fascinating.

This book is ok. Problem is- it doesn't go far enough.

Two parents in a family really do make a difference:

More Statistics on Fatherlessness: CHILDREN NEED BOTH PARENTS It is a Fact! Here is why: · 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census). · 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. · 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. (Source: Center for Disease Control). · 80% of rapist motivated by displaced anger come from fatherless homes. (Source: Criminal Justice and Behavior, Vol. 14, pp. 403-26). · 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. (Source: National Principals Assoc. Report on the State of High Schools). · 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home. (Source: Fulton County Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. Of Corrections, 1992). These statistics mean that children from fatherless homes are: · 5 times more likely to commit suicide · 32 times more likely to run away · 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders · 14 times more likely to commit rape · 9 times more likely to drop out of high school · 20 times more likely to end up in prison. Listen to Tom Leykis. Women have been treating men badly since the 1960's- and Tom's show was the top of any media outlet, in California. Tom says that children are indeed much better off in a 2 parent family- but that there are NO benefits to being a man, in such a family, and MANY reasons why this is becoming an increasingly worse idea.

Wow...what an eye opener!

Wow...what an eye opener!

ok

required reading of a class, not too bad