Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

This is one of the more valuable books I have read regarding relationships. To explain the book, perhaps it would help to first clarify what it isn't. It isn't advising people to lower their standards, or to consign themselves to lives of quiet desperation with people they are not attracted to. Rather, it is about ditching the superficial checklists to open or broaden standards up to what is truly important in the long run for a healthy, lasting relationship. I had previously made a lot of snap (and perhaps inaccurate or unfair) judgments about men because they didn't give me instant fireworks over an hour coffee date. Now, however, I've learned to give men more of a chance, which will give love more of a chance to flourish. Love doesn't always instantly come to you blaring with trumpets, but sometimes grows more quietly over time. I know plenty of people who eventually married people who did not immediately trigger their chemistry radars, but who now have the type of love I long to have.

The sections on maximizers v. satisfiers are probably the most helpful to me. Essentially, it advises people to be a "satisfier" and just be happy with who you find once you meet someone who has what you are looking for--rather than constantly looking for greener grass elsewhere and wondering if you can do better like the "maximizer". No matter who you select, there will always be someone younger, richer, taller, etc. Heck, I read an article somewhere that some people are considering Angelina Jolie as getting "old", and how Megan Fox is the younger, hotter version of her (of course, Megan Fox doesn't have an Oscar like Angelina but, I digress). Most normal men would probably be more than satisfied with Angelina Jolie if they could get her, but the most toxic "maximizer" would even be dissatisfied with her once they saw younger starlets come along. The quest for someone younger, hotter, richer, etc. just never ends and it's simply more satisfying (and less exhausting) to just settle down with someone wonderful, rather than constantly trying to find someone just a little better.

I also appreciate Ms. Gottlieb's unwavering honesty about the downsides of being single. I don't romanticize marriage and kid myself that it will always be wine and roses. However, I appreciate that she was honest about the loneliness and negatives of being single, rather than pretending that they don't exist. It makes me feel validated to know that I'm not crazy for craving a special connection with someone.

Rather than being depressing, this book is actually empowering. It shows people how to get out of their own way and take charge of their romantic destiny by making more prudent choices. It might help open some eyes and broaden possibilities for love.

I was talking with an older friend of mine about dating and she told me about this book she just read. After giving me the synopsis I decided, what the heck, I will give it a try. Boy am I glad I did. So glad that I decided to write a review which I have not done in quite a while.

I am a 28 year old male and in the last 9 months have gotten “serious” about dating. But I have run into this perplexing issue. I have a nice job, I live on my own, I take care of myself, and by all accounts, at least in my mind, I seem like a decent catch. However I could not get a date to save my life, especially with younger women! It seems like anyone I showed interest in was immediately turned off. Even women that most would consider “not on my level,” as Gottlieb put it, were not interested. I remember talking online to a woman who was quite large, did not have much going in her life, and built shacks part time as work. Even she was not interested...it was damn confusing. How could I not even get the shack maker.

I did some soul searching, and really looked at women in general. As an old economist major, I thought, “go to where the market is, not where you think it should be.” Where was the market? Well it seemed like women were into bad boys, ego, and testosterone. So I changed my approach, and generally started being a bit of a douche bag. I did not call back quickly, I would profess lack of interest, and I acted pretty confident about everything. Annndd it worked. I started getting more dates, more interest, and getting traction where I was not before.

The catch is I really do not enjoy being this guy. Deep down, I am soft hearted, and acting standoffish and aloof so I can go out kind of sucks. I am not a doormat, but it seems like any softness at all is considered weakness. I really felt perplexed because on one hand I wanted a partner, but on the other it seemed like I cannot be myself to get one.

This book really opened my eyes to what is happening in women’s heads. Maybe not all women, but probably most of the women I have gone on dates with. Here I was, thinking something was wrong with me and I had to change fundamentally to have a partner. I was so wrong! How could I ever hope to change in a way as to not run into the 300 different things you are not supposed to do on a first date? How could I ever be not too fat, but not too thin, or strong, yet compassionate, or decisive, yet compromising, or the hundreds of other impossible little paradoxes that these women have running through their heads?

This book was a real eye opener, and if you are in your 20s as a male, I think you should read it. You should know that the power curve swaps. You should know that just because you cannot find someone now, your value will probably go up if you’re not a drug addict or something. You should know that no matter how hard you tried, YOU NEVER HAD A CHANCE with some women.

I am not totally sold on being a beta male, but this book definitely gave me the confidence to be nicer.

The subtitle of this book, "The Case fro Settling for Mr. Good Enough" is actually unsettling to me, because I don't think author Lori Gottlieb really comes to that conclusion. Instead, through exploring her own saga of finding "Mr. Right" she discovers or uncovers that maybe she has been wrong about her assumptions for dating and marriage. The book is a sometimes painful saga of how Lynn managed to be in her early forties (with a son) and yet has never found her "perfect match" or "soul mate."

Through a thorough exploration and investigation of the dating and single life, calling on researchers and dating exports for help,Lori Gottlieb honestly searches her premises about marriage to see why the right guy has not appeared. In Part One, she asks:"How Did We Get Here? which explores romance and dating, including a speed dating experience that is both funny and sad.

In Part Two the author looks at "From Fantasy to Reality," discussing a topic she calls: It's Not Him, It's You. She begins to realize that maybe she was looking for love in all the wrong faces, deciding not to go out with a guy because he did not have a certain look. For example, with the advice of Evan, a "personal dating trainer," she accepts a date with a man who wears bow ties, even though it is a turnoff. But when she meets him, she learns that his grandfather wore bow ties and when he died,left them to his grandson, who wore them as a tribute to grandfather. So the turn off was no longer such a turn off.

In Part Three, Gottlieb digs deeper with "Making Smarter Choices," telling us we shouldn't be so picky and discussing the men who got away because she was nit picking. In Part Four, The author discusses "What Really Matters" and gets down to the nuts and bolts of what she needs as opposed to what she wants. And in Part Five, "Putting it All Together," the author posts some of the stories of her friends and their quest for love and marriage, ending with her own story.

This is an important book for single women, because Lori Gottlieb is brutally honest about where she thinks she went wrong in her search for a marital partner. And she really doesn't say to settle so much as to advise single women to look closer at the values or the list from their twenties and maybe thirties, which misguided her into letting go some men who turned out to be great husbands and dads. (She has kept tabs on a few of the men that got away.) In the chapter called "The Men Who Got Away," she writes about an old friend Andy and says:

"If I could go back in time, I'd date someone like Andy in a second. Not because I'd be settling, but because different things are important to me now--and should have been all along"(p. 171).

I admire Gottlieb for her total honesty about herself and the missteps she feels she made along the way to finding love, romance, and a husband. One of the matchmakers she consulted said that romance is "about the evolving relationship," not just the roses and instant attraction. She also spoke with a doctor who specializes in relationships, commented that he "thinks that many single women today bring a sense of entitlement to dating." If the guy doesn't adore her, like in a fairy tale, she sends him on his way and waits, alone, because `Some Day Her Prince Will Come.'

The quote by the author above and this one below are, to me, the crux of the book:

"What I didn't realize when I chose to date only men who excited me from the get-go (without considering the practical side of things),is that what makes for a good marriage isn't necessarily what makes for a god romantic relationship." (p. 227)

I really liked this book and learned a great deal about why I made certain decisions when I was dating after my divorce and why my attitude about marriage was totally different the second time around. While this book is written by a woman young enough to be my daughter, I admire her research skills, her reporting, her sense of humor, and her painful honesty.

When I re-opened the book to do this review, I spotted the dedication page for the first time, and this is what it says: "For my husband, whoever you are." I chuckled. On the cover is a comment by screenwriter Diablo Cody (Juno) who calls this book an entertaining reality check that will have the readers laughing and squirming. I heartily agree and recommend this book. Forget Dear Abby and read Marry Him.

I trust that writer and author Lori Gottlieb will follow her own advice given in the book and find a man she can love, respect, and enjoy. I think people are meant to be partnered with someone to share the ups & downs of life and love.

I posted this on my blog: [...] & may also post it on my website: [...]

This is the most great "self help" book you can imagine. I'm in my early 20s and this book as honestly changed my perspective of dating. I used to be the "snotty" "stuck up" girl thinking I can have everything just because daddy did it for me. It's taught me to treat people with respect and that no one is perfect. I don't want to spoil this book for you so read it on your own. This book will help you stop being miserable and also help you get a long better with others, not just men :)

When you marry him, tell him that he was The Prince. Crossing your fingers crossed behind your back is the customary non-verbal apology to God for telling a small lie. And, if you aren't an insufferable nag, he'll probably even improve with age to near-Prince status.

The only book on gender politics that I like more than this one is John Gordon's "The Myth of the Monstrous Male."

This book is must reading for anyone (man or woman) old enough to get married. It will help you see what to look for in a potential spouse--the things that make for long-term joy, stability, comfort, etc, not those things that make for short-term excitement and long-term tragedy and heartbreak. There is no Mr or Miss Perfect, but Mr or Miss Good-Enough-To-Be-Happily-Married-To is probably already there, if you will just open your eyes to him/her.

Marry Him is a fun, easy read and, through Gottlieb's highly-relateable dating experiences, the book aims to be a wake-up call to women on why it is okay to "settle" for Mr. Good Enough.

Of course, the concept of "settling" is a gimmick to stir up controversy and sell books. When Gottleib speaks of "settling", she is advising women to let go of their rigid notions of what Mr. Right is supposed be and look like and focus on the qualities that really matter - his loyalty, honesty, goodness and kindness. Basically, common sense conclusions that are hard to disagree with. Although I found myself nodding in agreement to many of her points, ultimately, the book did not resonate with me, largely because I found it hard to be sympathetic to Gottlieb. Maybe it was just me, but in reading Marry Me, I was not convinced that Gottlieb, despite writing a book on the topic and speaking with many "experts" and laypersons alike, really got her own message.

This book, in part, is an autobiography of Gottlieb's dating history. Perhaps that is why I felt like this book would speak to a very specific demographic, i.e. Gottlieb's demographic: a woman in her early 20s to mid 30s, likely well-educated, has a decent career, is relatively attractive and has had opportunities in life to succeed. This woman grew up in an era where she benefitted from the breakthroughs of the Women's Liberation Movement, having "equal" opportunities in society, education, workforce and relationships. As a result of her personal and external circumstances, this woman probably grew up believing she really could "have it all". Importantly, and specific to this book, this woman has a history of rejecting men (maybe other people/things, as well?) on the basis of something relatively superficial and in looking for someone (something?) "better".

Gottlieb identifies a common issue for this woman (i.e. herself) - how does she reconcile her expectations of having it all with her desire for a happy marriage and family? What is she to do with her long list of must-haves in a man, which she believes she deserves and is attainable? Gottlieb asserts that these attitudes are the reason that many more women today in their mid 30s and 40s are single (including herself) - and facing the reality of a man pool that is a fraction of the size as when these women were in their 20s.

Despite her common sense conclusions, a word of caution, dear reader. When I consider the number of women that proclaimed in online reviews that this book saved their relationship, I could not help but think that, like all opinions, Gottlieb's advice should be taken with a grain of salt. No book, and certainly not this book, can capture The Whole Truth. Gottlieb made many generalizations throughout the book to make her point . The book was filled with examples of women who were filled with doubt about their "good enough" guy, left them, only to still be single years later. On the flip side, the book was filled with just as many examples of women who "settled" with their "good enough" guy, and of course, are happily married x years later.

In reality, there is a large gray zone in the middle. I could (hmmm...maybe I should) write a book about how being single after a long-term relationship can be highly beneficial for a young woman.

For what it's worth, my personal experience leads me to believe that, if by fate, you are lucky enough to even have a shot at "having it all" (because let's face it, around 5,999,000,000 other people in the world do not), you just may be able to have it all...but not all at once. C'est la vie.

As I am an Allied Healthcare Provider Professional Happily Married Man for over FIFTY {50} years I am delighted that I discovered a hard copy of this outstanding book in our wall display in our public library in our lovely University town in our lovely Mountain
South {Rural--Appalachia}.. A copy of this outstanding book shouold be on display in all of our City, County, and University Libraries. I recommend this book for any and all women and men, both married and unmarried and for any and all psychotherapists to read and to discuss with their MENTORS, I fully concur and agree with, "Itt is not lack of LOVE but lack of FRIENDSHIP that makes UNHAPPY marriages!" Friedrich Nietzsche {1844- 1890} quoted in this outstanding book. A hard copy of this outstanding book should be given to all incoming first year students in our Colleges of Medicine to read and to discuss with their MENTORS.I further recommend this book to all of our International Medical Graduates ---candidates for our U.S.M.L.E III (step three examination) for whom English may wel be their 2nd Second Language Respectfully submitted with appreciation...
Josh Grossman, Colonel {r} U.S. Army Medical Corp, M.D., F.A.C.P.

Gottlieb chronicles her personal experience with her dating journey with statistical data & fresh perspective. This book isn't suggesting women who want to be in committed marriages lower their standards or make concessions that will lead them to an unhappy marriage. Gottlieb is saying that it's easy to discount the importance of superficial characteristics when looking for a mate. What she emphasizes into focus on the attributes that REALLY matter- loyalty, compatibly matched life goals, honesty, etc. Far from being a generalist I would recommend thisbook to all single people, both men & women. "Settling" is such a dirty word in our culture but really, think about it- she says, you have limited choices for all things in life. Focus on the most important things and you might be surprised!

WOW! I wish I had read this book when I was 20, but better late than never as they say. I have recommended this to several friends already. Lori says some pretty powerful things here and I found myself shaking my head saying "gosh, you are right, why have I always looked for perfection because it just doesn't exist". This book is not just for women, it will help us guys see that outside beauty is nice, but it is not everything and there are certainly things that we have on our "list" that probably shouldn't be there unless we want to be single forever. I highly recommend this to anyone who has ever been asked "why are you still single?"