Pursuing Peace: A Christian Guide to Handling Our Conflicts

When I think of peace, and peacemaking, my first thoughts either go to a moment of solitude in the midst of my crazy life, or some way of reducing violence between groups of people and nations. Robert Jones correctly points to interpersonal conflict as another place where the peace of God must reign.

In this thoroughly biblical book, Jones addresses questions like:
* How do I forgive?
* How do I seek reconciliation when I have hurt someone?
* How does my sin effect my relationships with others?
* How do I pursue reconciliation with someone who has hurt me?
* How does God see our conflicts?
* How do I apologize appropriately?
* What if nothing I try works in my efforts to reconcile?

I think this book would be a good teaching book for believers, but also a good guide for church leadership boards.

I am pleasantly surprised by "Pursuing Peace". I'm a lapsed Catholic and lazy Christian which probably makes me an agnostic by default but I was very pleased with this book.

It is Scripture and faith-based but the concepts can be used by anyone, in my opinion. Scriptures chosen are very spiritual in nature and the advice given using those Scriptures remind how faith has a lot to offer.

But aside from that, the advice was helpful and structured. The exercises were pointed. Discussion topics also reinforced the information of the chapter.

Bears repeating but very pleasantly surprised. Well done.

Robert Jones searches the Scriptures to bring to light the pathway for peace with God, personal peace and relational peace for his readers. I found this book both devotional, as it led me to examine myself, and instructional in how to approach conflicts with others. I think it fulfills its subtitle as a "Christian Guide to Handling Our Conflicts." Jones relies mainly on Scripture for guidance and intersperses some anecdotal illustrations. I appreciate his emphasis on Scripture and his minimal use of examples from his counseling experience, as I often find that Christian counseling books tend to draw guidance more from personal experience with "clients" than Scriptural lessons and exhortations.

The goal for the book, according to the author, is "to provide a step-by-step process for pusuing peace in all your relationships and to give you a tool you can use to help others." It is a biblical and Christ-centered path.

Jones avoids softening Jesus' demands that Christians examine themselves thoroughly removing the plank from their eyes before addressing the speck in others' eyes. He also brings out the imperatives that Christians forgive others, bless others, pray for others and do good to others...even those we consider enemies. I think Jones does an excellent job distinguishing between what he calls "attitudinal" forgiveness and "relational" forgiveness. Attitudinal forgiveness occurs when we forgive others in our heart before God. Relational forgiveness occurs when we forgive them face to face, often in light of their repentance and confession of wrong.

He is careful in his advice to those in conflicts in which the other party refuses to repent, change behavior or even recognize their responsibility in the conflict.

Jones organizes the book tightly around Pleasing God, Repenting and Loving the Person. Within these broad categories are several points, issues and steps. Readers will find these contents relevant but too much to remember all at once which makes this a good book to read and then keep handy for future reference when we need help pursuing peace.

Robert D. Jones (DMin, Westminster Theological Seminary) serves as a biblical counseling professor at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. He is a church elder, certified biblical counselor, a Christian conciliator, an adjunct instructor, and a church reconciliation trainer with Peacemaker Ministries and has served as an adjunct trainer with the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (CCEF). Jones is the author of Uprooting Anger and has written numerous ministry booklets and articles.
He is the author of the Resources for Changing Lives booklets Forgiveness, Angry at God? and Bad Memories, and has written numerous articles and book reviews for the Journal of Biblical Counseling. Jones is a member of the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors (NANC).
An experienced conference speaker, Jones presents "The Peacemaker Seminar" at local churches and counseling organizations throughout the United States, and in Spain and Brazil. He presents workshops at conferences for NANC and the Biblical Counseling Institute. Jones live in Raleigh, North Carolina, with his wife and two sons.
Jones has written what I consider the most well-written, most practical and helpful non-fiction biblical books I have read in quite some time. Don't be mislead by the sub-title: A Christian Guide To Handling Our Conflicts. Many times when we see the word "guide" in a book's title, we think, "Just another 'handbook'".

This book is far, far from your drab old handbook or guide.

From the back cover:
You have conflict in your life - we all do. You encounter it in your home, your workplace, your school, or even in your church. All around us tensions exist and disputes persist. Offered here is a step-by-step process for pursuing peace in ALL your relationships and a tool you can use to help others. This guide is:

Biblical - relies on the absolute authority, sufficiency, and life-giving power of God's Spirit-breathed Word
Christ-Centered - depends on the forgiving and empowering grace of Jesus
Practical - provides concrete action steps, case examples, discussion questions, and suggested language to handle specific situations
Proven - offers tried and true methods from a pastor, professor, counselor and certified Christian concilliator who has led couples, churches and Christian schools to make peace for over twenty-five years.

Packed with wisdom and practical techniques, this manageable book on reconciliation will send you on your way to pursuing peace while helping others to do the same.

I really liked everything about this book from the cover design to the organization of the material within the covers. The book includes the following twelve chapters:

Finding Hope in the God of Peace
A God's Eye View of Conflict
Keeping God Central
Getting to the Heart of Our Conflicts
Owning Our Sins before God Our Savior
Apologizing That Makes a Difference
Cultivating Grace Attitudes
To Forgive or Not to Forgive
Battling Bitterness by Grace
Redeeming the Art of Rebuke and Granting Forgiveness
Reconciliation in Action
When Nothing Works

At the end of each chapter there are questions for personal reflection or group discussion.

I was most impressed first by the solid biblical foundation of the book. Next, Jones doesn't just give a lot of good information, he gives the reader practical steps to follow to apply the information that has been presented. For me, that is what sets this book apart from many of the other "how to" books I've read.

Jones' writing is engaging and his thoughts and ideas are presented in a well organized manner. He utilizes the "list" technique quite often throughout the book making information easy to find and refer back to when needed.

"The Perfect Peacemaker was brutally killed. Yet Jesus understood that pleasing His Father was His highest aim in life. Even His supreme display of horizontal love for His people - the cross - was not done apart from this God-pleasing motive: 'Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.'" (Eph. 5:1-2) *From chapter 12, page 183-183.

Pursuing Peace: A Christian Guide To Handling Our Conflicts is published by Crossway. Thank you Crossway for sending me a complimentary copy of the book for the purpose of this review.

Strained marriage, disgruntled co-worker, tension in the home, irritated by the kids, the list can go on, and on, and on. You get the picture. We live in a fallen world, which affects our relationships. If there is one thing that can keep a person up at night, it is a strained relationship. Controlling thoughts about the other person, guilt, anxiety, and frustration from a damaged relationship certainly need resolution. This is where Pursuing Peace stands above the many other voices vying for our affections during times of conflict. Some books are worth skimming, some are worth a closer look, others worth soaking in, and yet others deserve regular review. Pursuing Peace is the latter. It is Biblical, Christ-centered, practical and contains proven wisdom.

Pursue Peace or Bust

What happens when people do not pursue peace? Dr. Robert Jones says, "Relationships wither without it." Of course, you know this is true, I know this is true, and Jones certainly knows it, but we often fail to pursue it. If we are to stop faking peace and start pursuing it, this is the book to read. Inside, you will find solid biblical advice unfolded in three steps. Step 1 - Please God; Step 2 - Repent; and Step 3 - Love (13). Sounds simple enough, doesn't it? But when it comes to relationships, things can get sticky. This is where Jones' seasoned wisdom shines as he connects theology and real-life.

Begin with Pleasing God

With wisdom and sincerity, Jones begins by focusing on God, specifically the God of peace. He presents peacemaking as a mega theme within Scripture, which connects "our relationships-with God and with others" (18). This theme captured my attention from the beginning of the book. I live in the real world and want to read books that connect Scripture to real life. Jones strategically helps his readers see interpersonal conflict and peace through the lens of the Gospel. He teaches readers to expect conflict because, in a sinful world, conflict is inevitable. Furthermore, he presents lasting biblical wisdom for not only resolving conflicts, but even embracing them as divinely-appointed opportunities (30-38).

Jones reminds us that the first objective in resolving conflict is to please God. Pleasing God must be the first and foundational goal before attempting any type of reconciliation. Pleasing God, rather than other people, should be our highest aim in life (49). He also helps the reader understand what occurs when someone or something other than Christ captivates our heart. He illustrates these run amuck desires through "the throne-staircase diagram," which pictures Christ on the throne and our run-away desires attempting to dethrone Him (65). If you are a counselor, pastor, Sunday school teacher, or small group leader, this diagram will prove an invaluable tool to your ministry. This is one of several counseling instruments detailed throughout the book.

Recognizing Our Sin - Repent

Much conflict exists because we neither see the planks in our own eyes, nor understand how to work toward reconciliation with those we have wronged. Rather than peace, we are plagued with grudges and bitterness for years. Situations arise, people are offended, forgiveness is not sought, and everyone goes on as if nothing occurred. Jones points out, "No relationship-marital, parental or otherwise- will flourish if an offended partner doubts the offender's sorrow or his willingness to take responsibility for his actions" (75). He proceeds to unpack how to remove the planks that blind us, so we are free to ask and grant forgiveness as necessary. Furthermore, he carefully dissects the anatomy of an apology, helping readers discover the path of genuine reconciliation. (76, 83-86). Things like, "I was drunk, it was actually your fault, I love you, it was the PMS talking, I am sorry, but..." are tragic substitutes for a sincere apology (90-91). Like a good shepherd, Jones steers readers away from these errors and directs us toward a healthy recognition our own sin, our ongoing need for repentance, and provides many tools to ask for forgiveness when we fail our neighbors.

Love Wins, for Real

As our author begins to land the plane, he enters the third step of loving people and addresses our attitudes, forgiveness, comfort, and serving others (168). The final chapters contain an invaluable counseling tool that I have utilized in the past. It is a chart based on Luke 6:27-36 that outlines the phrases, "Do good, Bless, Pray." This chart helps readers think through how they can practically do good to others, what it means to bless another person, and how to pray for others. This type of counsel is good medicine for anyone facing relational conflicts and battling bitterness.

This book is a priceless tool for the church. I would confidently recommend this book to anyone; believers as well as non-believers. The clean division into twelve chapters makes Pursuing Peace an excellent resource for group discipleship or one-on-one counseling. Jones takes deep theology and applies the truths to everyday life. He is faithful to the text and maintains a clear reading style. I simply could not want more. Buy it, read it, re-read it, pass it out, and most importantly, Pursue Peace.

Conflict is never easy, and is in my opinion one of the hardest things to engage in as a Christian. One reason why conflict is so hard is as Christians we are both saints and sinners. As Christians we have a positional identity as adopted sons and daughters of the King, and yet we because we haven't been glorified by Jesus we still sin. This is one of the chief reasons why conflict is so hard, because in dealing with difficult situations we are confronted by our own sin and the sins of others. In his helpful new book Pursuing Peace a Christian Guide To Handling Our Conflicts Dr. Robert Jones a Professor and seasoned Pastor writes to help Christians understand how the Gospel relates to conflict and how to engage conflict situations by applying the Gospel to our lives.

One of the greatest struggles in my own life as a Christian as it relates to conflict has been in handling criticism in godly ways that glorify God. Owning up to our own failures is never easy and often times I have minimized my own part in various conflict situations in my life rather than taking responsibility for my sin and repenting for them. Thankfully I've learned from these various situations and have repented of my sin, but still have a long way to go in terms of dealing better with conflict situations.

Dr. Jones in chapter six identifies three steps for apologizing that makes a difference, confessing our sins to those we have offended. The first step is to identify your offenses, using a "plank list" and confess our sins to God, receive his forgiveness, and seek his help" (91). Ken Sande gives seven vital characteristics of confession, "First, address everyone involved, second, avoid, if, but and maybe, third, admit specifically, fourth, acknowledge the hurt, fifth, accept consequences, sixth, alter your behavior (at least explain how you intend to do so), and finally ask for forgiveness and allow time" (98-103).

Having been on the receiving end of true confession and also having given true confession I can tell you that true confession brings healing, but that it takes time for healing to occur especially when the hurt has been deep. Pursuing Peace a Christian Guide To Handling Our Conflicts by Robert Jones is an important book because it helps us to focus not on ourselves, but upon the work that Jesus did to reconcile us to God, which provides the framework for Christian's reconciliation with each other. This book will help Christians to learn how their reconciliation with God relates to dealing with difficult people, handling criticism and more in a godly way by holding up the treasure of Christ to a watching and waiting world. I recommend every Christian read Pursuing Peace a Christian Guide To Handling Our Conflicts to learn how the Gospel relates to conflict and how to handle difficult situations in God-glorifying ways.

Title: Pursuing Peace: A Christian Guide to Handling Our Conflicts

Author: Robert Jones

Publisher: Crossway (2012)

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the Crossway book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255 : "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."