The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate

From Publishers Weekly Psychotherapist and bestselling author Lerner has been teaching readers how to "dance" with difficult relationship issues throughout the past decade, and remains one of the most helpful writers on the topic. With her familiar mix of conversational language and profound empathy for people (primarily women) who are struggling with the most important relationships in their lives, she now tackles the verbal challenges of life's most painful conversations. Far from trite "communication skills" or "assertiveness training," her book offers lucid and concrete guidance on how to speak out in a wide variety of problem situations (e.g., when a wife suspects her husband is having an affair with a co-worker, or when friends jeopardize their relationship by becoming roommates). Lerner moves smoothly through the common obstacles to understanding how we feel, how we want to express ourselves and what we want to accomplish by talking about our feelings. Recognizing that "your brain will turn to mush" when trying to explain yourself in an emotional state, she offers practical advice on sharing vulnerability; voicing concerns, complaints or requests; apologizing; listening and setting limits on how much one is willing to listen to others' complaints and negativity. Accepting that we can never guarantee that others will hear us or respond as we'd like, Lerner focuses on the authentic expression of self, "maximiz[ing] the chance of being heard" and keeping the connection open, despite complex emotions, misunderstandings and silences. (Sept. 1)Forecast: The popularity of The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Intimacy, The Dance of Deception and The Mother Dance virtually assures an eager audience for Lerner's new work. She has recently added children's books to her repertoire (Franny B. Kranny, There's a Bird in Your Hair, PW, May 21), which may expand her readership even further. Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc. From Library Journal A columnist with New Woman Magazine as well as a staff psychologist and a psychotherapist at the Menninger Clinic, Lerner is also a world-renowned expert on women and family issues whose Dance of Anger is a pop psychology classic. Lerner's mass appeal results from her ability to break down difficult psychological concepts into plain language. Her new work is similar to her other titles (which include Dance of Intimacy and Dance of Deception) but follows the human life cycle sequentially. After a brief explanation of the concept of inborn/individual traits and the influence of families of origin, Lerner shares her private family-of-origin stories which gives the book a vulnerability and humanness that other self-help titles lack. Lerner then discusses problems that can surface in adult relationships, including how adult children may talk with their parents. She shows that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling all have the potential to cripple or destroy a marriage. Each chapter analyzes a specific problem with case histories and possible solutions or outcomes. What results is an accessible and well-organized work that, with its predecessors, belongs in all libraries. Highly recommended. Lisa Wise, Broome Cty. P.L., Binghamton, NY Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc. “ The Dance of Connection can save your marriage, a friendship, and your relationship with your mother, father, sister, brother--even your boss. Brimming with practical advice, sharp wit, extraordinary knowledge, deep caring.” — Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. “Lerner rescues us from the swamps and quicksands of difficult relationships with her unique clarity and profound intelligence. This book is for everyone.” — Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of After the Affair “Lerner does a remarkable job teaching us new steps in the complicated, mysterious, painful and beautiful dance that we call family life.” — Mary Pipher, Ph.D. "I love Hariet Lerner's work." — -Anne Lamott, author of Traveling Mercies “Lerner’s mass appeal results in…accessible and well-organized work that…belongs in all libraries Highly recommended.” — Library Journal In her most profound book yet, Dr. Harriet Lerner takes us beyond The Dance of Anger and shows us how to "find our voice" with the people who matter the most. With wit and wisdom, Lerner shows us how to "set things right" and heal the most painful disconnections. The Dance of Connection tackles the most difficult problems we face with the people who hurt us: What is the "two step" that will transform any conversation? What is the "two step" that will transform any conversation? How do we find our voice when we are rejected or cut off? And why won't the person who has harmed us apologize? How do we find our voice when we are rejected or cut off? And why won't the person who has harmed us apologize? How do we take a conversation to the next level when we feel desperate? How do we take a conversation to the next level when we feel desperate? What positive steps can we take when the other person is wearing us down with criticism, negativity, excuses, demands, or irresponsible behavior? What positive steps can we take when the other person is wearing us down with criticism, negativity, excuses, demands, or irresponsible behavior? How do we put an insensitive parent on the hot seat? How do we put an insensitive parent on the hot seat? Lerner reveals a startling new definition of what it means to have an "authentic voice" -- one that runs counter to the automatic ways we try to speak our truths. The Dance of Connection goes beyond "communication techniques" to provide bold and innovative "voice lessons." Lerner tells us when to lighten up and let things go, and when we need to take specific steps to heal betrayals, inequalities, and broken connections, Whether we're hurting in marriage, family, or friendship, we learn how to speak with honor and personal integrity even when the other person behaves badly -- or won't talk at all. Our capacity for creativity, vitality, and joy depend on connecting well with the key people in our lives. Lerner teaches us how to navigate our most difficult relationships with integrity, courage, and joyous conviction. Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is one of our nation’s most loved and respected relationship experts. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for more than two decades. A distinguished lecturer, workshop leader, and psychotherapist, she is the author of The Dance of Anger and other bestselling books. She is also, with her sister, an award-winning children's book writer. She and her husband are therapists in Lawrence, Kansas, and have two sons. Read more