The Little Book of Letting Go: A Revolutionary 30-Day Program to Cleanse Your Mind, Lift Your Spirit and Replenish Your Soul

Bestselling author Hugh Prather has a knack for putting his finger on the pulse of America's emotional and spiritual angst. In The Little Book of Letting Go he gives voice to the internal chatter that prevents us from enjoying or pursuing our true desires. "Within our human heart we all feel the call to be simple, to be present, to be real," Prather writes. "Yet throughout the day, the world urges us to be at war with ourselves and each other: 'Be resentful about the past.' 'Be anxious about the future.' 'Be dissatisfied with what you do see.' 'Be guilty.' 'Be important.' 'Be bored.'" Prather compares these thoughts to the stale clutter in the back of our refrigerators. By cleaning out our minds, we allow room for fresher and more nourishing foods for thought. In this little book on mental cleansing, Prather uses personal stories as well as step-by-step exercises to help readers understand the rewards and the process of letting go. For example, in the section on letting go of guilt and hurtful actions, Prather suggests that for at least one day readers "rise from sleep and make your purpose only this: 'I will go through this day harmlessly. I will hurt no one in my thoughts or in my actions, including myself.'" Prather includes numerous similar kinds of assignments in all of his chapters, including how to let go of..."Mental Pollutants," "Misery," "Prediction and Control," and "Spiritual Specialness." --Gail Hudson Hugh Prather is the author of 16 books, including Spiritual Notes to Myself, Love and Courage, The Little Book of Letting Go, How to Live in the World and Still Be Happy , and Shining Through . As a minister and radio talk-show host, he counsels couples, singles, teenagers, and families in crisis. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. the Little book of Letting go A Revolutionary 30 Day Program to Cleanse Your Mind, Lift your Spirit, and Replenish your Soul By HUGH PRATHER Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC Copyright © 2000 Hugh PratherAll rights reserved.ISBN: 978-1-57324-503-6 Contents List of Illustrative StoriesForeword by Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D.One Letting Go: The BasicsTwo Letting Go of Mental PollutantsThree Letting Go of Emotion FixationFour Letting Go of MiseryFive Letting Go of Prediction and ControlSix Letting Go of Inner ConflictSeven Letting Go of "Honesty"Eight Letting Go of the Ego MindNine Letting Go of "Spiritual" SpecialnessTen Letting GoList of ReleasesAbout the Author CHAPTER 1 Letting Go: The Basics Within the human heart, we all feel the call to be simple, to be present, to bereal. Yet throughout the day, the world urges us to be at war with ourselves andeach other: "Be resentful about the past." "Be anxious about the future." "Behungry for what you don't see." "Be dissatisfied with what you do see." "Beguilty." "Be important." "Be bored." "Be right." Little else in nature exhibitsthis need to be more than it is. The simplicity of rain, the clarity of a star,the effortlessness of a bird, the single-mindedness of an ant—all are just whatthey are. Underwear on the floor can break up a marriage. Yet the eyes of puppies light upwhen they see boxers or briefs. To them, dirty socks are not reasons for fightsbut reasons for play. Obviously, most little animals are hooked on somethingquite divine. Something within them releases enormous freedom. I suggest thatsomething is simplicity and purity, and that we can experience the possibilitiesof this natural state as well. A mind that learns to let go gradually returns toits inherent wholeness, happiness, and simplicity. For example, the people who are in our lives today, are in our lives today—whatcould be simpler than this? Yet so often we react to those we encounter with amind churning in conflict: we don't want them here; we can think of other peoplewe would rather have here; we're not even sure we want to be here; when willthis be over; why does this always happen to us; and on and on. When we becomepreoccupied with what we want or don't want from someone, or what we do or don'tapprove of, we fail to see that person's goodness, malice, gentleness, sadness,or anything else that is present. This habitual reaction to other people and toeverything else in life needlessly complicates our lives and blocks simpleenjoyment and peace. Big Truck When Gayle's and my son, John, was two years old, we lived in Santa Fe, NewMexico. One day he and I were standing on a street corner, waiting for the lightto change, when a semi slowly began rounding the corner just as the walk lightcame on. Suddenly I was caught up in the delay this truck was causing by passingin front of us. Then I heard John say, "Big truck." I looked down and his eyeswere wide with amazement. I looked at this enormous semi passing so close wecould have reached it in one step. And I said, "Big truck." Because now I reallysaw it. It seemed like the mother ship in a Star Wars movie. Maybe I'd been thinking that the truck shouldn't have been there or that what Ihad to do was more important than what the truck driver had to do. Whatever itwas, that thought was all it took to keep me from enjoying just standing besidemy son and holding his hand. Just one unnecessary thought. Little children havevery few, if any, unnecessary thoughts, and that's why they are usually focused,present, and happy. A mother bird sees a snake climbing her tree and thinks "snake." Immediately shestarts dive-bombing it. I have seen what a bird can do to a snake that doesn'tclimb down fast enough. However, it's clear what would happen to her babies ifthat same mother bird saw the snake and thought, "I do more good in the worldthan that snake." Or, "I don't like that snake; it's slimy looking." Or, "Asnake in the grass has no business being in a tree." Or, "I'm going to give thatsnake a piece of my mind." Not only do we give people a piece of our mind, we give them a piece of ourhappiness, wholeness, focus, and sometimes, a piece of our health. Our lives are filled with useless battles because our minds are filled withuseless thoughts. We never finish thinking about anything. We carry aroundunhappy scenes from the past as if they were still happening, and we chew on thememory of whatever we just did. This glut of thoughts profoundly affects theworld we perceive and the life we live. A man who sees his mother in every womanhe meets can't see the women he meets. This one unnecessary thought lands him insolitary confinement and assures he will die alone. A mother who can't accepther son-in-law into her heart because he has "a lot of metal" (say, doubleearrings, a nose stud, and something rumored to be somewhere else) merelyattacks her own capacity to love and be happy. She doesn't change the son-in-lawand she doesn't eradicate her daughter's love for him. Yet this one unnecessarythought means her daughter will not have the mother she needs. These last two are somewhat poisonous examples of what happens when we don't letgo. Yet throughout each day, failure to let go can eat up every small chance wehave to be happy. Just trying to write this page has been a typical example. Weenies About an hour ago, our son Jordan asked me if I could fix him "weenies the wayMother fixes them." I stopped writing and headed into the kitchen where John,who is now twenty, asked me if I could look at a business proposal he had outlinedfor his managerial accounting class. Gayle, being a banker's daughter,ordinarily would handle this one too, but she's at Trader Joe's buying organicyogurt. "As soon as I fix Jordan's weenies," I said. "Oh," John said, "would you fix me some too?" "Yes," I said, through only gently clenched teeth. Seasoned with my ambivalence over having been asked to stop writing aboutkindness and peace and actually practice them, the free-range weenies soon weresimmering away in free-range chicken broth—oxymorons cooking in an oxymoronwatched over by a large oxymoron. So there I was thinking about how I wasn't getting to do what I wanted to do;wondering where Gayle and I went wrong if our boys couldn't fix their ownweenies; thinking it was a good thing we were on record against forcing kids tobe vegetarians; and debating whether a dead free-range chicken was morespiritual than a dead chicken. In a sense, we all have two minds—one whole and peaceful, the other, fragmentedand busy. I was definitely in my busy mind. Just then I remembered Gayle's finalwords as she headed out the door: "I think we should say in the book, 'Make yourstate of mind more important than what you are doing.'" Oh. And maybe apply that to ourselves as well? I have practiced letting go enough to know that it feels a whole lot better thannot letting go. Although my mental state wasn't too bad, it was not whole,happy, or at peace. Why must even this little bit of misery be endured? Whycan't a couple of small tasks be done happily? My mistake was the one Gayle indicated. I had made circumstances more importantthan my state of mind. Now I had to reverse that. I had to let go. In myexperience of this process, I've come to see that it involves three steps: The first step of letting go: To remove what obstructs your experience ofwholeness and peace, you must first look at the obstruction. Well, I wasn't out-and-out upset about the weenies, but I was a little resentfulabout what I was not getting to do, and a little conflicted about what I wasdoing. As I went deeper into these feelings, I found the obstructing thought: "Ishouldn't have to do what I don't want to do." I looked at that idea for amoment and realized I didn't even believe it. I do things all the time I don'twant to do. In this case I wanted to fix my boys this food and I wanted to readJohn's proposal. Check off step 1. Before we go to step 2, I want to emphasize one aspect of letting go that iscrucial to its success. In seeking clarity about what I wanted, I would havesabotaged the entire letting-go process if I had slipped into wanting my boys,Gayle, or the situation to change. The moment I think, "I shouldn't be fixing these weenies," all I can do is waitto be saved from the weenies. Maybe the electricity will go off and I canannounce, "I tried, boys, but there's nothing I can do about it." Then I canshake my head in frustration and go back to my writing. Or perhaps Gayle willget back early and take over. Or maybe John will come into the kitchen and say,"Dad, you've been cooking weenies all your life. I think it's time I took over.You go back to writing." Whenever our desire is for people to change or circumstances to go our way, weare not taking responsibility for our state of mind. Because now all we can dois be a victim and wait to be saved. We obviously can't let go if we are waitingto be saved. Certainly there are real victims, but most of us put ourselves inthis role needlessly. And we do it every day. When our goal is to maintain our sense of wholeness and connectedness regardlessof what the day throws at us, we simply will not become a victim. Nothing is"beyond our control" because we are not interested in control. We let the peopleand situations we encounter be who and what they are. We are not motivated toreform or remake them. This doesn't mean we like how everyone behaves, nor doesit mean that we fail to protect ourselves and loved ones from destructivepeople. But if we commit ourselves to changing even pleasant people when theydon't want to change, we instantly become victims of their reactions. Eachlittle response to our efforts pulls at the strings of our emotions. For example, possibly you have been amazed, as I often have, by how frequentlydrivers put themselves in danger just to teach another driver a lesson. Theywill speed up to let someone know that he or she should not be cutting in line.They will tailgate a driver who is going too slowly. They will "run up the back"of a driver who just dangerously entered traffic. They will cut off someone whojust cut them off. Those who take it upon themselves to reform the driving public are classicvictims. They have a good commute or a good trip only to the degree that otherdrivers act like they got the message. But other drivers never get the message. No one has ever been made more sensitive or more thoughtful by being judged,bullied, or frightened. Putting pressure on others doesn't change their hearts.It merely engages us in a pointless conflict that splits our mind and muddlesour emotions. The second step of letting go: To go beyond the obstruction, you must be certainthat you want to. This was easy. I wanted to cook weenies in peace. I wanted to grant a simplerequest from my boys in peace. I wanted to be able to break with my personalagenda in peace. I indeed wanted peace more than I wanted the thought that wasobstructing peace. I took a moment to probe my honesty about all of that. Ifound it was pretty solid. Check off step 2. The third step of letting go: To experience your wholeness, you must respondfrom your whole mind and not from your conflicted mind. To do this, I had to find the place of wholeness within me. This is an attributeof the heart that we all possess. It is the place where we feel a quiet andloving connection to others. Even though it is always there, if your mind holdsa disrupting thought, and if the first two steps are not done honestly, yousimply will not feel wholeness or any real connection with other people. But ifyou are able to go to what has been called "the place of beauty," then you mustrespond from this place—and you must resolve not to slip back into your old,conflicted state of mind. And what is the nature of this "resolve"? It is simple sincerity. Do we sincerely want oneness and equality with thosearound us? Do we sincerely want to look at our life in peace? Do we sincerelywant a mind that knows stillness, wholeness, and a deep bond with our partner,children, parents, siblings, and friends? Or would we rather hold back our heartjust a little? Would we actually like to remain in position to judge, triumph,and be right? Here's where the third step can get a little tricky: The process of letting goof your more destructive emotions and darker impulses does not require tightcontrol of the subject matter of your thoughts, although most people think itdoes. In fact, it doesn't require control of your thoughts or feelings in anyway. You are not at war with circumstances, your behavior, other people'sbehavior, your feelings, other people's feelings, your thoughts, or otherpeople's thoughts. You simply are not at war. It is just the reverse. Letting gois freedom. When you find yourself in a useless battle, you merely walk off thebattlefield. An illustration of how this third step works can be found in the way weexperience love. All of us have seen examples of the disastrous results ofpeople deciding to have or adopt a child because they want someone who will lovethem. The reason this doesn't work is that the child has to act like the imageof the child that the parent expected. But the child is her own person and actslike herself, so the war begins—and war never feels like love. Similarly, peoplewho decide to get a dog or cat for the same reason end up making themselvesunhappy. Inevitably, the pet will disappoint. Those two scenarios are common enough that many people see the mistake. Yet whenit comes to romantic relationships, they don't question their desire to findsomeone who will cherish them, think they are wonderful, share their interests,meet their needs, have eyes only for them, and adore them even in old age. Butthat doesn't work either, as our divorce rate shows. There are many people who love gardening so much that they spend significantparts of their day watering, feeding, weeding, pruning, transplanting, and thelike. And they feel adequately blessed by every effort they make. It's apleasure to walk in a garden that someone truly loves. How do these blessed "relationships" between person and plant come about? Itwould be absurd to suggest that they hap-pen the way we are now tellingourselves romantic relations should work—the person who wants a garden looks forone that is astrologically correct, that is the right age, the right shape, thathad the right upbringing, one that will be lots of fun and meet all thegardener's needs. The reason a garden "blesses" a gardener, a pet blesses a pet owner, a childblesses a parent, and a spouse blesses a spouse is that we feel love; we havethe experience of love. But we have that experience only when we ourselves love.If you don't love, the most devoted pet, child, or lover will not lay one fingeron your heart—it just doesn't work that way. Because it is a fact that when people love, they immerse themselves in theexperience of love, we can find parents all around us who feel deeply, blessedlyloved by their damaged children, their genetically confused pets, and theiroverweight partners. We can find couples so old that they are shriveled who seeand feel the beauty of love pouring like sunlight from each other's bodies. Forthis to happen, all you need to do is respond from your quiet, united, lovingmind, not from your busy, fragmented, disconnected mind. Please understand that none of us jumps straight from a conflicted approach tolife to one of pure unity and peace. That of course is the choice, but,realistically, we are either heading in the direction of one or the other. Wecan have a growing sense of inner wholeness and be increasingly at peace withour life and the people in it, but we will have not-so-good days and many notso-goodmoments. All we can do is the best we can today. It is the direction ofour life that matters, not whether we have reached some perfect stage of lettinggo. It is enough to make a little progress each day. This is a more encouragingand productive goal than attempting achievement. I have often used the following story to illustrate the effects of respondingfrom wholeness as compared to responding from conflict. Running in the Hall Gayle and I were leaving a gymnasium where we had just watched our son Jordanplay basketball. As we walked down the long hall toward the exit, three eight-year-oldgirls came running past, animatedly talking and laughing. As theypassed the man in front of us, he harshly yelled, "Don't run in the hall!" This slowed them almost to a stop. They were obviously confused about why theycouldn't run in this virtually indestructible hallway. When we caught up to them, the man was almost out of sight, and Gayle said, "Hedidn't say you couldn't skip!" The girls immediately started laughing and skipping down the hall. We could hearthem say, "No, he didn't say we couldn't skip!" Gayle, as she so often does around children, saw these girls' core of innocenceand fun and simply responded from her whole mind. If she had been judgmental ofthe man and said to them, "What a grouch. I think you should run if you wantto," the girls might have started running again, but they would have rundefiantly or fearfully and not with the lightness of heart they had before.Although their speed would have increased, their minds would have beenconflicted and uncertain. (Continues...) Excerpted from the Little book of Letting go by HUGH PRATHER . Copyright © 2000 Hugh Prather. Excerpted by permission of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. Read more