What Grieving People Wish You Knew about What Really Helps (and What Really Hurts)

If I had to boil down the message of this entire book to just two words, these two would probably cover it: show up. - Nancy Guthrie

Grieving is a such a painful process. We all handle it differently. Sometimes correctly, sometimes incorrectly. But those around us can have a huge impact on how we process our pain. And those grieving around us are impacted by what we say and do. Often, though well meaning, we can completely mishandle the situation resulting in more pain, frustration and pressure on those who grieve. Nancy Guthrie in here latest, What Grieving People Wish You Knew about What Really Helps (and What Really Hurts), gives a us a look deep inside those who are suffering the pain of losing a friend, family member, or loved one, to death. What should we say, what should we do? Sharing her own experiences of losing two infant children and of those she has surveyed, we see how we can help the grieving in deep and meaningful ways.

Guthrie's style is warm, loving, and on point. Knowing what to say, what to do is usually difficult. No two people grieve in the same way or in the same time frame. Thus, she takes us through the "hows" and "whens" to speak and act at various times and places during the process of grieving. Most importantly, at least to me, what to say and not to say. Common unhelpful phrases and actions are covered and why we should avoid them. Alternatively, encouraging and thoughtful words and actions are suggested. As people grieve, we need to understand that they are not thinking as logically perhaps as we are at the moment. Stuffing scripture down their throats is not always as helpful as we may think. We also can't fix their grieving. It takes time. What many want most is to know that we have come along side them in their grieving and will be there whenever we're needed.

Besides the loads of useful advice, it is well footnoted and has scripture and subject indices. I found this book most helpful. I recommend this to every elder & deacon and to every church library.

This was a difficult read for me. I realized how often I have failed those around me grieving a death. I repeatedly felt the twinge of guilt for mishandling a situation. But this was a necessary read as well. We need to love those around us who are grieving but we often, very often, don't know how. This book is a gift to every Christian to learn how to love those who are grieving.

Crossway has provided a complimentary copy of this book through Beyond the Page.

It is so important that one needs to be sensitive to those going through the grieving process. I purchased this as a resource for my Christian Counseling Library.

I read this book shortly after a very hard struggle my wife and I were going through with our family. Guthrie’s insights into the mind and heart of the grieving person lined up very much with my own thoughts and feelings. Even though we were not experiencing a death (more on that later), I could see myself in much of what she and others described.

Although a small book, What Grieving People Wish You Knew is packed with compassionate and caring wisdom. This book is helping me as an elder in my church to better understand how to care for those in our congregation. There are sections of the book that talk not only of what NOT to say, but also what things TO say that grieving people have found to be helpful. One thing NOT to say that stuck out at me was the simple and often well-meant question “How are you?” I’ve caught myself asking this to those who have or are going through a difficult time. Allow me an extended quote from the book. Guthrie says:

“It doesn’t seem so wrong, does it? It’s a question that reveals that we care. It lets the person know we haven’t forgotten about their loss….But many grieving people say they simply hate the question. They feel put on the spot to report on their job performance in this task they’ve been given—continuing to live when their loved one has died—a task for which they had no training and for which they seem to have no resources. It’s a question they don’t know how to answer.” (p.55)

There were two chapters in particular that stuck out to me. The first was the chapter on Social Media & Grief, aptly subtitled “When the ‘Like’ button just seems wrong.’ A good summary of this chapter would be when she says “Probably the best thing is to recognize the continual posting [on Facebook] as an expression of intense pain and loneliness and to offer the comfort that only costs you a click along with a prayer for healing.” (p.126) The second chapter that stuck out to me was the one on Heaven. She addresses some common misunderstandings about Heaven as well as several right ways of thinking. One thing she stresses is that while Heaven is a far better place, that thought doesn’t always bring comfort to those who are grieving. “There is room to be both deeply joyful that the deceased loved one is in the presence of God while also deeply sad that he or she is no longer sharing day-to-day life on this earth.” (p.150) And lastly she points out that “Surely our longing to see those we love is a tool God can use to awaken us to himself.” (p.152)

The one negative aspect of this book is that the book is centered on the grief that people have when a loved one dies. Don’t get me wrong – there is plenty of wisdom for grief of all sorts. Perhaps I noticed this more since the grief my wife and I were (and continue to) experience is one borne of sorrow inflicted by and on our children. It would have been helpful for me to see non-death related grief addressed.

That being said, however, I would still recommend this book, especially to those in church leadership. No matter what size of the church congregation, there will always be opportunity to provide comfort to those in need of it. Nancy Guthrie provides very good wisdom and guidance in learning how to do this.

We sat on the couch, side by side, but miles apart. She had just lost her son in a tragic accident. I had four living and healthy boys — and no words that could touch her loss. In the weeks and months that followed, I wrote notes, shared Scripture verses, listened to her sadness, and showed up at her door bearing food, but never feeling confident that any of it held meaning, and often feeling as if I was missing the whole point.

Nancy Guthrie writes to bring clarity and a measure of confidence to people like me: those of us who want to help and bring comfort to our grieving friends, but want to avoid saying all the wrong words and assuming things that are not true. Her “research” for What Grieving People Wish You Knew was gritty and uninvited, and began on the day when her infant daughter Hope was diagnosed with a rare and fatal metabolic disorder. Grief “barged through the door,” and Hope’s 199-day life was a day-by-day good bye that was all too short.

Certainly, this experience alone would qualify a well-known Bible teacher like Nancy to speak wisdom into the lives of those who grieve, but then, a year and a half after Hope’s death, Nancy discovered that she was, once again, pregnant with a baby who had the fatal syndrome and who also lived for about six months. Working through all this sadness sharpened Nancy’s awareness that often, when Christians try to help those who have suffered losses, we mainly reveal that we just don’t “get it.”

In response, she conducted an online survey in which she asked grieving people for examples of what others said or did for them that proved to be helpful and meaningful. She shares many of these suggestions in her book, and they were truly a highlight, including thoughts as simple (and as obvious) as using the name of the deceased in casual conversation or sharing pictures and memories with family members.

Under the best of circumstances I’m not a great conversationalist, so it was a relief to me to hear the news that “it matters less what you say than that you say something.” In fact, “even if you come up with the perfect thing to say (as if there is such a thing), it simply won’t fix the hurt or solve the problem of the people who are grieving.” This is absolutely critical, and with that taken care of, Nancy goes on to provide additional insights:

Grieving is as unique as the individuals who grieve. There is no one-size-fits-all comfort formula.
Listen more than you talk.
Don’t assume anything about their feelings, about the spiritual condition of the deceased, or that your own grief experience is comparable — or helpful to share.
Don’t feel the need to be a fixer.
Examine your heart for selfish motives in your caring or for a warped tendency to get your own need for significance met by ministering to your grieving friend.
Nancy quotes Dr. Kenneth Haugk who cautions us that if you hear yourself starting a sentence with the words “Well, I . . “; “When I . . .”; “I remember . . .”; or “My . . . ” — just don’t say it.

Other red flags that call for a re-thinking of our words include:

“Well, at least . . .”
“It was God’s will . . .”
“I know someone else who . . .”
“God took him/her so that . . .”

According to Nancy, one of the best statements you can make is “I don’t what what to say,” while one of the incorrect assumptions we make is that the grieving family is being ministered to by people who are “closer” to them, or, even worse, that they would rather just be left alone. Showing up makes a powerful statement of support.

Esteeming the grief of those we love will look like patience and will keep us from putting a deadline on someone else’s grieving process. It will keep us from looking away when they cry, and will give us courage to shed our own tears in their presence, because this demonstrates the fact that their loved one is worth grieving for. Our shared sadness is tangible evidence of our love.

Nancy and her husband David host respite retreats for couples who have faced the death of a child and are actively involved in GriefShare which offers a ministry of education and counseling for those who are walking through loss. She encourages grieving families to laugh and reminisce together and to seek community rather than trying to soldier their way through healing alone.

Over the long haul, friends who mark their calendar to remind them of anniversaries and birthdays, who provide practical help ranging from the casserole brigade to the repair of the broken back step, who offer to baby sit for children, or contribute money for the onslaught of expenses are truly demonstrating the love of Christ and are helping their grieving friends move toward healing and hope.

What Grieving People Wish You Knew is a resource of words and ideas, and it’s a gift to readers which will certainly result in greater courage and a more sensitive engagement of the Body of Christ with those who need to experience first hand the love and mercy of God.

//

This book was provided by Crossway in exchange for my review. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

So true, so clear, so practical, so hope-filled. Our family has experienced a great deal of grief the past 10 years - four grandparents, three parents, several close family members, and a couple of close friends. At times, I've been at a loss what to say to those closer to the loved one who has died. But lately, I've been the one people haven't known what to do with, as my mother was the most recent death in our family. This book is so clearly written, backed up by quotes and anecdotes by people who have experienced crushing grief and can speak honestly about what helps and what doesn't. I cried my way through it, first from the regret of how I handled things poorly in relation to others' griefs, but then for myself, as I began to allow myself to process my own grief. It was healing for me, and I know the skills I learned will enable me to help others.

I gratefully received this book for free from the author, the publishers, and NetGalley in exchange for my unbiased review.

This is one of the better books on the subject of dealing with grief. As a pastor-counselor, I read a lot of these type of books and attend conferences and seminars that help me to better relate to people in difficult and grieving circumstances of life. I really enjoyed what I experienced as a fresh approach to this sensitive topic.

The approach I'm fond of is the many "real-life" comments from people who have been in varying states of grief over a myriad of situations. These real-life comments and thoughts are valuable insights and can help us to relate to some of the most uncomfortable circumstances that people have to deal with. From beginning to end, Nancy Guthrie springboards off these awkward illustrations (comments) from people who have heard them personally. Guthrie then offers why our well-intended comments may be hurtful or insensitive despite our intentions and then suggests better words to share with those we love and empathize with in seasons of grief.

I was especially intrigued with the chapter specifically addressing social media. I thought this chapter was highly relevant and very insightful.

I'll say again, of the many books I've read on the subject of grief and grief sharing, this one rises to a small group of my favorites.

This book focused on grief from losing a loved one by death. The author understands that different people will be comforted or offended by different things, but she tries to give general principles about what to say and do and what to not say and do. She also includes comments by people who have experienced this grief, explaining what they found comforting when they were grieving. What I found most helpful was insight into the mindset of people who are profoundly grieving. Some of the suggestions seemed contradictory, as some people said they would find it comforting but others said they would not, but I found some suggestions that I would be comfortable doing.

This is a MUST read for anyone who identifies as a Christian, regardless if you’ve experienced grief or not. As a therapist, I appreciated how this book breaks down what is helpful and not helpful. It aligns beautifully with what mental health professionals agree are essential ways to normalize the grief experience. This book clearly articulates for readers what it means to be grieving in a way that challenges how the church typically attempts to “support” someone grieving. I especially appreciated the chapter discussing heaven and how to discuss this with someone who is grieving.

Buy it, read it, apply it - be an informed comforter.

Everyone should read this book. For those of you, who don't know what to say or open your mouth to say the wrong the thing. Read this book! Education comes a long way!