How to Survive a Horror Movie: All the Skills to Dodge the Kills

“Grahame-Smith’s little volume is just like a horror movie: entertaining and…a fun afternoon’s diversion.”— The Hartford Courant “If you have snakes on your plane, did something last summer or suspect you’ve been dead since the beginning of the movie, then this is the book for you.”— McClatchy-Tribune “ How to Survive a Horror Movie is essential reading for horror movie buffs of all ages.”— Think Geek Seth Grahame-Smith is the author of The Big Book of Porn (Quirk, 2005) and The Spider-Man Handbook (Quirk, 2006). He lives in Los Angeles, California. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. IntroductionI’ve always had a special place in my heart for horror movie characters.xa0You have to feel sorry for the poor bastards. Of all the film genresxa0they might have found themselves in—romantic comedies, costumexa0dramas, inspiring biopics—these unlucky chumps were spawned in thatxa0darkest and most desolate tract of cinematic real estate: the openingxa0moments of a horror movie.xa0 xa0 xa0Whether it’s the perky camp counselor, the overconfident scientist,xa0or the security guard who leaves his post to check on “that weirdxa0noise,” the odds of survival are not good for these pitiful wretches. Likexa0the thousands of baby sea turtles who hatch from their leathery eggsxa0and crawl toward the sea only to be snatched up by waiting predatorsxa0before they even had a chance to live, precious few horror movie charactersxa0survive to see the end credits.xa0 xa0 xa0Before I was lucky enough to make horror movies of my own, Ixa0spent my formative years sitting in carpeted basements, lights off,xa0watching these films on VHS. My friends and I screamed ourselvesxa0hoarse—not just because we were scared, but at the sheer stupidity onxa0display. The poor choices being made. The obvious death traps beingxa0walked into. The sex being sexed.xa0 xa0 xa0Yet, as stupid and helpless as the victims in these stories were, I feltxa0for them. Yes, I loved watching them get hacked to pieces. Yes, I laughedxa0at their gruesome demises. Yes, I laughed harder when they died naked.xa0But a little part of me—the part deep, deep down that still had thexa0capacity to care for others—wanted to help them.xa0 xa0 xa0And so I wrote this book as a tribute to these most pathetic of creatures,xa0in hopes that I might succeed in two noble pursuits: 1) helpingxa0even one person meet the horror movie odds, and 2) avoid being evictedxa0from my apartment for back rent.xa0 xa0 xa0Of course, that was back in 2007. I was young and naïve. Thoughxa0much of the advice I offered then remains valid, the Terrorverse hasxa0invented new ways to inflict bloody death on its citizens . . . and on you ,xa0should you ever find yourself trapped in a horror movie. (Perhaps you’rexa0in one already; chapter one will help you figure that out.) This updatedxa0edition draws from plenty of new and noteworthy horror movies toxa0keep your survival skills up to date. It features new tactics, new artwork,xa0and an updated appendix of must-seexa0horror flicks. I’ve learned a fewxa0things in the ensuing years. A few more skills to dodge the kills.xa0 xa0 xa0Now come with me if you want to live . . . Read more